Fan Fiction: Parody and Satire

The Amazing Cranston

  "Yes. Wherever Callard may be, he has known since this morning that the police were searching for him. You issued such a statement to the newspapers. They mentioned that he had been a sailor."

  WESTON pondered. He seemed to recall former discussions that he had held with Lamont Cranston, concerning certain crimes. His globe-trotting friend had a peculiar penchant for beginning a circle of facts, each statement bringing the discussion back toward the starting point. *The Magic Eight ball beings to roll around the table curiously on its own…*

  "I'm beginning to be puzzled, Cranston," admitted the commissioner. Then, his face a trifle annoyed, he added: "Well, perhaps you can give an opinion on one point that we haven't settled. About that locket of Shurrick's."

  "State the question," suggested The Shadow. *Weston picks up the Eight ball, almost ready to hurl it across the room...*

  "Did Callard want the locket for its own value?" quizzed Weston. *He begins to turn the ball over and over silently counting to eight in his head...* "Or did he take it because it was the only thing of value that he had time to steal? It's one thing or the other; either he knew the locket was a rare piece of jewelry or he took the one item that he saw." *He stops turning it and awaits for the answer to appear...*

  "That question cannot as yet be answered." *Crap! The stupid purple pyramid thingy got stuck inside again!*

  "I didn't think it could be. I knew it would stump you, Cranston. * Weston begins to shake the Magic Eight ball to try to get the pyramid to settle on an answer...* I suppose you would have to see the locket to venture an answer, wouldn't you?"

  "Not necessarily, commissioner. I would prefer to see something else that the murderer may have gained from Shurrick." *The Magic Eight ball refuses to give up its answers...*

  "What else could he have taken with the locket?" * He turns it over and over again, hoping that he asked the right question this time...*

  "Some object that the locket may have contained."

  WESTON gaped. *THANK YOU OH WISE ORACLE!!!!!!* This time he had been presented with a possibility that he had not even considered. The contents of the locket! Those who had seen the cameo ornament had remarked upon the fact that it was large and conspicuous.

  "You see, commissioner," observed The Shadow, "there are many points at issue. Each factor leads to another. Theories conflict - theories that you have not yet considered deeply. Take the murderer himself as an example. *Cranston The Amazing will now proceed to baffle you with tremendous feats of mental deduction!!*

  "One moment, you credit him with craft. The next, you imbue him with traits of extreme stupidity. Because he steals a locket from the body of James Shurrick, you think that his motive is robbery; that he would have taken much of value had he possessed the time.

  "Yet he had time to steal anything he wanted at Ralgood's; the place, however, was not rifled. Again, he murders ruthlessly; then spares a man's life tonight. He seeks to overpower a victim because shots will spread an alarm; he follows that by trussing up another man after the alarm has already been given.

  "According to Dolver, this killer was too slow to get out of sight upon the fire tower, prior to his crime. Yet when his get-away was limited to the minimum allowance, he tied up Dolver in rapid order and made an amazing getaway twelve stories down the fire tower before your police closed in upon him.

  "I cite these facts, commissioner, to impress you with a point that you have not considered. You are dealing with these crimes from the wrong angle. You are accepting what appears to be the obvious. That is a mistake." *The audience applauds madly...*

  The level tones were impressive. Yet they made Weston boil. The commissioner came to his feet, his face red with anger. Then he delivered a challenging demand.

  "I am going to ask you some direct questions, Cranston," barked Weston. "Will you answer them yes or no — with none of these twisting changes that lead nowhere?" *VIOLENTLY shakes Eight ball...*

  "Certainly," returned The Shadow, calmly. "Except in those cases where I can give no answer." * massive smirk* *I know something you don't know!!! HA HA HA!*

  "All right. First of all, we have the goods on Dave Callard. He ducked Cardona and Markham at the dock. He lied to Mallikan about the ship that brought him here. Callard said he came in on the Zoroaster. We know that he was aboard the Tamalpais. We know also that he intended to go to Ralgood's immediately upon his arrival. His letter from China, the one we found at Ralgood's, was proof of it."

  WESTON paused; he had forgotten his questions temporarily. *Wait, how does this blasted thing work again?* Since he was hearing no objections, he continued with his present subject.

  "Dave Callard could have murdered both Ralgood and Basslett. He could have taken Ralgood's revolver. We know that the old gun was used to kill Shurrick. Dolver's description of the murderer tallies with that of Callard. We know also that Shurrick's locket was stolen; that Callard had the knowledge and ability to truss up Dolver as we found him."

  Another pause. Weston remembered his questions. *Oh yeah, I have to ASK a question!!!* He put the first one:

  "Do you believe that Callard is still in New York?" *Turns it over...*

  *…And voila!*